Deliriously Realistic

Deliriously Realistic

I'm pretty awesome. That's all you really need to know.

  • (A gay couple has just met up in the restaurant and kissed each other upon arrival. Another customer has seen this and is obviously angry.)

  • Angry Customer:

    “Damn f**s.”

  • Gay Man:

    “Excuse me?”

  • Angry Customer:

    “You heard me, you little s***. Let’s not make this into some little pride protest, okay? I have to accept that you’re going to live your lifestyle, and you have to accept that I’ve got freedom of speech.”

  • Gay Man:

    *quietly* “Is it too much to ask for a little human decency?”

  • Angry Customer:

    “Human? Listen up, what you’re doing is not human. I think I have the right to determine what I think is human.”

  • (The manager shows up. He’s a quiet Italian man who I assume is conservative due to the Christian imagery and portrait of Reagan he keeps around the restaurant.)

  • Angry Customer:

    *to the owner* “Hey, can you move either them or us to another table?”

  • (Instead of responding to the angry customer, the owner instead speaks to his wife.)

  • Owner:

    “I’m sorry ma’am, but we have a strict ‘no pets’ policy in my restaurant.”

  • Wife:

    “Uh, I, uh, what? I don’t have a—”

  • Owner:

    “Well, according to your talking monkey over here, I can determine who’s a human and who’s not. You bring an animal into my restaurant; I gotta assume it’s your pet.”

  • (The angry customer storms out. When I left, the owner was giving his description, and copies of security camera footage, to the biggest crowd of police I’ve seen. Apparently it’s a bad idea to not pay your bill at a restaurant that gives free coffee to cops.)

bettydays:

I have a story.

So my sister got run over by a car once. It was a pretty big deal. Well like a year later she got into a little fender bender and was really bent out of shape about it, so I went and got her a cake. 

image

When I put in my order for the cake, the guy at the bakery asked, “Do you want it to say anything?”

And with a perfectly straight face, I said, “‘Sorry you got hit by a car again.’”

He narrowed his eyes a moment, then nodded and wrote it down, and took it to kitchen to get the writing done.

All the way from the back of the kitchen, I hear a woman shout, “‘Again’?!”

(Source: toocooltobehipster, via serk8try)